Why White Women Can't Handle Being Wrong

You can make a racist mistake without being a bad person

I recently encountered a white woman on Nextdoor who posted about “Black teens” allegedly assaulting a white man in my area.

Because Nextdoor prohibits racial profiling like this, I reported the post and commented on why I thought it was inappropriate. The post was eventually removed.

What happened next was textbook white woman centering herself.

The woman posted a public apology saying she should have worded things differently. At the same time, she came into my private messages furious.

According to her, she was “not a racist person at all.” She pointed to her friends and family members of color as evidence and repeatedly insisted that everyone had misunderstood. The problem was not the post itself. The problem was that people had “taken it the wrong way.”

The apology suggested someone reflecting on a mistake. The private messages revealed something else entirely: a desperate need to defend her identity as a good person.

This is a dynamic I see all the time among white women.

We are conditioned to believe that being a good human is one of our most important jobs. So when someone points out that we have done something racist, many of us hear something much bigger. We don’t hear, “That action was harmful.” We hear, “You are a bad person.”

Once that happens, accountability becomes almost impossible.

Instead of examining what we did, we begin building a defense case. We explain our intentions. We list our credentials. We talk about our friends. We insist we are misunderstood.

Even after acknowledging that the post should not have been made, she continued insisting that “I am not a racist and do not do racist things.”

Notice how the focus has shifted.

The conversation is no longer about the post. It is no longer about the impact. It is no longer about the racial profiling that prompted the criticism in the first place.

The conversation is now about protecting her self-image. This is what people mean when they talk about centering yourself.

This is what I tried in vain to explain to her: You can do something racist without intending to be racist. You can make a mistake without being a monster. You can be called out without being condemned forever.

We are all conditioned by racism. It is woven into the culture we grow up in, the media we consume, the institutions that shape us. None of us escapes it.

That is not something to be ashamed of. It is simply reality. The shame comes when we refuse to examine it.

The goal is not to become a perfectly enlightened person who never says or does anything racist. Such a person does not exist.

The goal is to stay aware of our conditioning, recognize when it shows up, and respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

We will all make mistakes. I certainly have. What matters is what we do next.

Accountability begins the moment we stop asking, “What does this say about me?” and start asking, “What can I learn from this?”

Seeking assistance? Start here.